Leaving Isn't Always The End - Understanding Post Separation Abuse

Leaving a difficult or unhealthy relationship is often seen as a step toward repairing and rebuilding. But for many, the abuse doesn’t stop when the relationship ends. Post-Separation Abuse (PSA) is a pattern of control, manipulation, or intimidation after separation. It can be emotional, financial, psychological, or even legal and can surprisingly be the first signs of any abuse in the relationship or can be a familiar pattern of long term abuse continuing beyond the ending of the relationship.

What is Post-Separation Abuse?

Post-Separation Abuse can take many forms. It might include harassment through texts, calls, or social media, financial control, stalking, or the misuse of child contact arrangements and legal systems. At its core, PSA is about maintaining or seeking power and control, even when the relationship is over. This ongoing coercion can make it difficult for survivors to rebuild their lives. Leading to symptoms of trauma such as hypervigilance, anxiety, guilt, or fear and causing long term emotional harm to children who may be caught in cross fire.

Why Post-Separation Abuse Happens

Abuse is fundamentally about control, not anger. When a relationship ends, the person who feels 'left or abandoned' may feel a loss of control and try to regain it through manipulation.

Not everyone who engages in post-separation abuse realises their behaviour is harmful. Some might believe they’re simply “trying to stay involved” or “protecting their rights.” But these actions often stem from deeper emotional wounds; fear, abandonment or shame, that then manifests as control or blame.

How Therapy Can Help Survivors Heal

For survivors, therapy provides a safe, confidential, and non-judgmental space to process what’s happened and begin to rebuild a sense of identity and trust.

A person-centred approach focuses on empathy, respect, and empowerment, helping clients reconnect with their own voice and inner strength. Therapy can help survivors to:

• Understand the patterns and dynamics of coercive control.

• Recognise that the abuse is not their fault.

• Develop emotional resilience and healthy boundaries.

• Encourage healthy processing around the involved children

• Manage trauma responses such as anxiety, guilt, or self-doubt.

• Rebuild self-esteem and rediscover a sense of peace and purpose.

As an integrative therapist, I also draw on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to challenge unhelpful thinking patterns and Psychodynamic theory to explore how past experiences may influence present relationships. Providing emotional support with practical steps to move beyond the relationship.

Supporting Behavioural Change in Those Who Cause Harm

Therapy isn’t only for survivors. It can also help those who may be using controlling or harmful behaviours, even if they don’t fully recognise them. In therapy, we can work together to:

• Build awareness of how words and actions affect others.

• Explore the emotions, such as anger, fear, or insecurity that may be driving driving the control or manipulation.

• Learn healthier ways to manage conflict and communicate.

• Discourage unhealthy use of children as pawns in the controlling patterns

• Develop empathy, accountability, and self-regulation skills.

Therapy offers a chance for genuine self-reflection and behavioural change. It’s not about blame, it’s about understanding, responsibility, and growth.

When Therapy Isn’t Enough: Safety and Additional Support

While therapy can offer emotional healing, insight, and tools for change, there are times when safeguarding and safety must come first. If abuse is escalating or there are concerns for the safety of you, your children, or others, it’s important to seek additional support beyond therapy.

For survivors, this might mean connecting with an Independent Domestic Violence Advisor (IDVA) or specialist domestic abuse service, who can help assess risk, create safety plans, and offer practical guidance around housing, legal protection, or police involvement.

For individuals who are causing harm or struggling to manage controlling or abusive behaviours, a Domestic Abuse Perpetrator Programme (DAPP) can provide structured, evidence-based support to promote accountability and behavioural change.

Therapy can work alongside these services, but it’s never a substitute for immediate safety measures. Reaching out for specialist help is a courageous and responsible step to take whether you are seeking protection or taking action to prevent further harm.

Repairing and Rebuilding

Whether you are healing from post-separation abuse or beginning to recognise harmful patterns in yourself, therapy can be a powerful space for transformation. It helps you move from fear to understanding, from control to connection, and from shame to self-compassion.

If any of this resonates with you, whether as a survivor or someone wanting to change, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can explore your experiences and begin the journey toward healing, safety, and lasting change.